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As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone. “But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?” “I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset…. Tell mother what four-letter words he used.” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.” Jean was out walking with grandfather One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the...

Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard. Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house. The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow, “I’ve won, I’ve won!” An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard. Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride. A guy driving a Yugo The cruise ship was sinking

One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems. I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…” The others nodded in agreement Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?” The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…” The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest. The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer! There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!” The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest. The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin. After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay th...

A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition. The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship… The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying… The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess What do you think she shouted to her husband?” Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!” The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!” The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?” The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same w...

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…” Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately ...

An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.” To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!” A priest was being honoured I forgot my teeth

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call as soon as possible, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block. He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor. On seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility?” The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work” “Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Book From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God. Doctors cannot prolong lives Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace” “Giving...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money Many people had tried… over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence… as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The litt...

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at all He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.” The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.” The man replied, “I’m not a dentist I work at the morgue..” Serious hearing problems The gi...

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. “There are 5 things you need to know,” he told the pencil, “Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.” “One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone’s hand.” “Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you’ll need it to become a better pencil.” “Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.” “Four: The most important part of you will always be what’s inside.” “And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.” The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart. Now replacing the place of the pencil with you. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be. One: You will be ...

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it.. When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, “Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.” He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking towards him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, “Thank yo...

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out: “Jesus is watching you.” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead in his tracks He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked. “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied. A anthropologist studying A little bird was flying

Two bachelors are talking and their conversation drifts from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook last Christmas,” says the first, “but I was never able to do anything with it.” “Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asks the second. “You said it Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and …” Bonus Joke: Brave Pig A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. “That animal saved my life twice,” he said “Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids.” The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. “Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?” he asks. “Neither An animal like that you don’t eat all at once!” A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk A group of frogs were traveling

There is a town in France, which was flooding. Some people escaped to the roof of the church. The priest, however, stayed and said, “Let God come.” Someone came to save him but the priest said, “God will save me.” He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him. Then a boat came to rescue him He refused to get in, maintaining that God will save him. Finally a helicopter came, but he sent that away too. When he passed over to the other world, the priest said, “Oh God, I prayed to you so much, but you did not save me.” Upon hearing this, God responded, “My foolish servant, I sent you a man and you didn’t come. I sent you a boat and you didn’t get in. I sent you a helicopter and you didn’t board What more could I have done? A little bird was flying When asked what the problem

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again,the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?” The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time. Two bachelors are talking The snow in a one-horse open sleigh

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week Can you do this?” “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.” God Will Save Me A beautiful redhead

A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon. When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages. One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon. When the school-teacher chided them, they said: “We went to meet the sages in dreamland.” “What did they say?” demanded the teacher. “We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.” A beautiful redhead Man And Ostrich

Please be advised that all members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submi...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be £6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man “Same for me,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be £12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact chan...

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.” The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?” Man And Ostrich The rule of a king

Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes. Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places. He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people. People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king They were proud that their king had a kind heart. After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace. He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life. However, he had one regret He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance. He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony. He could not tolerate the pain He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it w...

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m. I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!” “And just where have you been?” she replied sharply “It’s after seven o’clock!” Divorce Agreement A Old Man And Woman